What is assertiveness really (+ 12 laws of assertiveness)

It is widely believed that persistence is simply the ability to say NO. And although giving yourself the right and opportunity to refuse is one of its elements, it is not the only one. Assertiveness is a whole collection of interpersonal skills. First of all, it is a set of laws that allow you to be just yourself, which is the basis of natural and healthy self-confidence and the ability to achieve your life goals.

In general, assertiveness is the ability to express one's opinions (rather than just saying "no"), emotions, attitudes, ideas, and needs in a way that does not compromise the good and dignity of another person. Read about what perfectly describes how an assertive person communicates with others.

Being assertive also means being able to accept and express criticism, receive praise, compliments, and the ability to value yourself and your skills, as well as those of others. Assertiveness is usually characteristic of people with high self-esteem, mature people who are guided in their lives by an image of themselves and the world that is adequate to reality. They are based on facts and achievable goals. They allow themselves and others to fail by learning from their mistakes rather than by criticizing and discouraging themselves.

Assertive people are usually more pleased with themselves than others, are gentler, show a healthy distance, and a sense of humor. Due to their high self-esteem, they are more difficult to offend and discourage. They are friendly, open and curious about life, and at the same time they can take care of their needs and those of their loved ones.

Lack of assertiveness

People who do not have this attitude often give in to others and live a life forced upon them. They easily succumb to all sorts of requests, and although they do not want this internally, they do “favors” out of a sense of duty and inability to express objections. In a sense, they become puppets in the hands of family, friends, bosses and work colleagues, satisfying their needs, and not their own, for which there is simply no time and energy. They are indecisive and conformists. It's easy to make them feel guilty. They often criticize themselves. They are insecure, indecisive, do not know their needs and values.

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You can learn to be persistent

It is a skill acquired to a large extent as a result of self-respect, awareness of our needs and knowledge of the appropriate techniques and exercises that allow, on the one hand, to evoke such an emotional attitude, and on the other hand, to provide a means of communication through which we can be assertive and adequate to the situation.

You can develop this skill on your own. An article on basic self-affirmation techniques will be available in a few days. You can also take the help of a therapist or coach with whom you will develop the resources you need and those described above.

watch yourself

In the meantime, over the next few days, try to focus more on how you behave in specific situations, and check which ones you are assertive in and which ones you lack this assertiveness. You may notice a pattern, for example, you can't just say no at work or at home. You may not be able to talk about your needs or accept compliments. Perhaps you don't allow yourself to speak your mind, or you don't respond well to criticism. Or maybe you don't give others the right to be assertive. Watch yourself. Behavioral awareness is valuable and necessary material that you can work on. Without knowing its shortcomings, it is impossible to make changes.

12 PROPERTY RIGHTS

We have the right to ask and demand that our needs be met in an assertive, self-confident, but gentle and unobtrusive way, both in personal life, and in relationships, and at work. Demanding is not the same as coercing or manipulating to get what we want. We have the right to demand, but we give the other person the full right to refuse.

We have the right to have our own opinion on any issue. We also have the right not to have it. And, above all, we have the right to express them, doing it with respect for the other person. By having this right, we also grant it to others who may not agree with us.

Everyone is entitled to their own value system, and whether we agree with it or not, we respect it and allow them to have it. He also has the right not to make excuses and keep to himself what he does not want to share.

You have the right to act in accordance with your value system and the goals you want to achieve. You have the right to make any decisions you want, knowing that the consequences of these actions will be your responsibility, which you will take on your shoulders - as an adult and mature person. You will not blame your mother, wife, children or politicians for this.

We live in a world of overload with information, knowledge and skills. You don't need to know all this. Or you may not understand what is being said to you, what is going on around you, in politics or the media. You have the right not to eat all your thoughts. You have the right not to be the alpha and omega. As an assertive person, you know this, and it comes with humility, not false pride.

He was not yet born so as not to be mistaken. Even Jesus had bad days, even he made mistakes. So you can too. Go ahead, continue. Don't pretend you don't do them. Don't try to be perfect or you won't succeed. An assertive person knows this and gives himself the right to it. It empowers others. This is where distance and acceptance are born. And from this we can learn lessons and develop further. A person whose lack of assertiveness will try to avoid mistakes, and if he fails, will feel guilty and discouraged, he will also have unrealistic demands from others that will never be fulfilled.

We rarely give ourselves this right. If someone starts to achieve something, he is quickly pulled down, condemned, criticized. He himself feels guilty. Don't feel guilty. Do what you love and be successful. Give yourself that right and let others succeed.

You don't have to be the same all your life. Life is changing, times are changing, technology is evolving, gender is permeating the world, and Instagram shines with metamorphoses from 100 kg of fat to 50 kg of muscle. You can't run away from change and development. So if you still haven't given yourself this right and expected others to always be the same, then stop, look in the mirror and say: "Everything changes, even you old fagot (you can be kinder), so be this,” and then ask yourself, “What changes can I start making now to be happier with myself next year?” And do it. Just do it!

Even if you have a family of 12, a big company and a lover on the side, you still have the right to privacy. You can keep secrets from your wife (I joked with this lover), you don’t need to tell her everything, especially since these are men’s affairs - but she still won’t understand. Just like you are a wife, you are not required to talk or do everything to your husband, you are entitled to your own piece of sex.

How good it is sometimes to be alone, without anyone, only with your thoughts and feelings, doing what you want - sleep, read, meditate, write, watch TV or do nothing and stare at the wall (if you need to relax). And you have a right to it, even if you have a million other responsibilities. You have the right to be alone for at least 5 minutes, if more is not allowed. You have the right to spend a whole day or a week alone if you need to, and it is possible. He remembers that others have a right to it. Give it to them, 5 minutes without you will not mean that they have forgotten you - they just need time for themselves, and they have a right to it. This is the law of the Lord.

You probably know this. Particularly in a family, other family members are expected to be fully involved in solving the problem, such as the husband or mother. They expect the other person to do their best to solve their problem, and when they don't want that, they try to manipulate and feel guilty. However, you have a firm right to decide whether to help you or not, and how actively to participate in this. As long as the problem does not concern the child to be cared for, other family members, friends or colleagues are adults and can take care of their problems. This does not mean that you should not help if you want and need it. Help with an open heart full of love. But if you don't want to, you don't have to, or you can only do as much as you see fit. You have the right to set limits.

You have the right to enjoy the above rights, giving the same rights to everyone without exception (except for fish, because they supposedly do not have the right to vote). Thanks to this, you will increase your self-esteem, become more self-confident, etc.

Wait a minute, there were supposed to be 12 laws?! I changed my mind. I have a right to it. Everyone has. Everyone develops, changes, learns and can see the same things differently tomorrow. Or come up with a new idea. Find out what you didn't know before. It is natural. And it's natural to change your mind sometimes. Only fools and proud peacocks do not change their minds, but they do not develop either, because they do not want to see changes and opportunities. Don't stick to old truths and conventions, don't be too conservative. Move with the times and allow yourself to change your mind and values.

emar